it's been a while

Hi! Jules here.

If you’re reading this, chances are we’re already pals, or you follow me on Instagram + Twitter and have been following my cancer journey so far. However, I have been wanting to share more on this on my blog since it’s my baby, and I’ve been blogging (on and off!) for 12+ years!

I can’t share every detail because it’s just a lot for me (hence the fact it’s taken over nine months to write this) But, it feels good to write, and now my biggest goal is to use this (f*cking) horrible thing that has happened to me and try to help others going through something similar. Helping people and making them feel good & happy is truly one of my biggest passions.

In late September of last year, I was just feeling a little ‘off’ - nothing major and no pain, but I thought I should see our doctor since Pete and I were hoping to try for baby #2 in the winter. My doctor wasn’t concerned, given the fact I didn’t really have any symptoms and was healthy otherwise and feeling good, but we did some bloodwork just for peace of mind. The bloodwork showed I had high white blood cells, which could mean a lot of things, so we ordered more tests just to be sure all was okay and see what was going on. The next few weeks (months) were the hardest of my life (and I imagine the same goes for Pete, my family, and close friends)

After some initial tests, we got the extremely shocking news that it might be cancer. What? How? Even the thought of it being a possibility seemed impossible. I was feeling fine, great even. I loved my job, and our new home, and was planning for Otis’ 2nd birthday and gearing up for my favourite time of year. The weeks of tests to find out what was happening was like nothing I had ever experienced. It was tough to stay positive and not spiral (and google) every little thing.

On October 27th, my doctor called with the news that would change our lives forever. I have cancer. I remember it so clearly yet in utter and complete shock. As you can imagine, Pete and I were absolutely devastated and heartbroken. What had to come next was telling our family, friends and community - a job that Pete handled with grace and love even though I know it was the hardest thing he ever had to do.

The next few weeks were spent surrounded by my favourite people. It took us all a lot of time to process the news (I still am in a way to be honest) but having so many incredible people by my side just made things bearable. Even though I had found out I had cancer, there was still so much about my diagnosis that was unknown. The next couple weeks were filled with many tests - bloodwork, CT scans, a colonoscopy, a biopsy, etc. Pete, my fam, and my best friends, were there every single step of the way (and still are)

A few weeks after my diagnosis, as we shared the news with our family and friends, I wanted to share with my online community as they are very important to me, and I wanted to share my journey with everyone. What would happen next is nothing I could have ever even dreamed of - My days were filled with friends and family (and even strangers) mailing me letters, cards, sending care packages, flowers, meals, gift cards, and everything in between. I could feel the love every moment of every day.

The texts, calls, messages, and every little moment were just beyond special and filled with love. I have spent so much of my life being the person to send cards, gifts, and flowers and check in with those around me, and I never imagined with that much love could ever feel like. I was (and still am) truly overwhelmed by it.

We took to social media to ask for inspiring stories about friends and loved ones with cancer. About them beating the odds and sharing their stories. This helped me so much and inspired me as I was getting ready to start my fight.

This entire situation truly showed me the power of community. How if you surround yourself with kind, loving, inspiring people - they will show up for you every damn day. I can honestly say that is the case for me, and I feel so incredibly lucky for that.

It will take me a long while to form the words I want to say about Pete, My Mom and Blair, My bro’s and their partners, My BFFs, my in-laws, and everyone in between. What I will say is that having cancer f*cking sucks. But, when you are surrounded by kind, loving, supportive people every day - it makes everything less shitty.

The last ten months have been full of fear, emotions, stress, anxiety, and tears. It’s been by far the toughest time of my life. But, it has also been filled with laughs, cuddles, smiles, adventures, walks, get-togethers, and special little moments. I will always choose to find joy and love, even on my darkest days. I have no reason not to. This is my jam.

I try not to think too hard about how or why I got cancer because the reality is - I have it. It sucks. It’s hard, and I am heartbroken it has happened. But I want to use this super shitty experience and help others going through something similar. I want to show people that it’s okay to be sad, scared, and frustrated, but there is still so much life to live and so much joy around us.

Helping people has always been my passion, and I feel this cancer diagnosis is a sign that I am meant to use my positive energy and attitude to help those who need it most. I’ve always felt this, and now it feels even more obvious.

It has taken me almost a year to write this post, and even still, I feel like it is missing so much. It’s a start. I have been happy to share my cancer journey on social media but wanted a space to write and share more of my thoughts. I’ve loved blogging for so long. It has helped me feel creative, excited, and motivated. I want to use my blog to share more about my journey, but even more so - to focus on all the other things that bring me joy in life.

Hope you’ll join me on this ride!

Jules

xo