please stop terrifying future parents + other things i hated hearing during pregnancy...
Well, here we go. We are just two weeks away from our due date and ready to embark on the biggest journey and change of our lives. Pete and I will be welcoming our baby boy into this world in just a few weeks (woah)
I have so many thoughts on motherhood, pregnancy and the influence that peers, social media, family, friends, strangers (say what?) and co-workers have on your entire journey into parenthood.
I will begin this post by saying - this whole experience has been mostly (really) good. Our family, friends, workplaces and community have been so incredibly excited, supportive and kind to us about our big news and I am beyond grateful and thankful for what they have done for us already. I plan to be really leaning on and using our incredible support system during this huge life change and feel so lucky to have so many people who love and care about us surrounding us on the regular.
Although so much of this experience has been positive, I need to talk about the things that have made me terrified, upset, anxious, scared and alone as someone who is pregnant for the first time. A lot of people talk about unsolicited advice and comments and how often these things will come up once you announce you’re pregnant/once the baby arrives. I must say, this didn’t happen nearly as often as I assumed it would (and no strangers even touched my bump...yet!) However, what did happen extremely often are the negative, passive aggressive comments from parents (or perhaps non parents) about this life changing event.
Listen, I don’t think anyone in this world thinks having a child is going to be easy breezy and just the most chill, fun, non-exhausting/life changing experience of their lives. We have friends and family members with children, we’ve read books and watched movies and observed these things for our entire lives up until now. I don’t know any mother who thinks this is going to be a cake walk, and in fact I think it comes as a huge road block in whether or not people even choose to have children these days. But, for some reason a lot of people like to comment on the fact that your lives will change forever, things will never be the same, you will never sleep again, never shower again, never enjoy a hot meal again, put on anything but pj’s, wear makeup or do anything than change a diaper. Oh and loving your husband? You can just forget about that. Basically your life is OVER (but congrats on the baby news! SO excited for you.)
To me, this has been way more frustrating and upsetting than getting random parenting advice from someone. There are people out there who have been trying for months, or years to get pregnant. There are people who have tried multiple times and haven’t been able to conceive, or have lost their babies. There are people dreaming, wishing, and hoping every single day that they can one day be a parent, and your negative and condescending words about parenthood could be breaking them. These kinds of comments are hurtful and terrifying to anyone, let alone people who have had a really tough journey into pregnancy. People don’t often think about what people had to do to get to this point of their lives.
Don’t get me wrong, I like that people want to be realistic about this life changing event and not sugar coat it. However, keep in mind that nobody said it was easy (cue Coldplay) and people are already filled with fear, stress and anxiety about not only their pregnancy, but their new journey into parenthood. Hearing things like this don’t make it better or easier for everyone. Above all, every single situation, baby, mother, father and lifestyle is different. Things that may have been stressful and exhausting for you may not be the same way for others. Things that worked for you and your baby may not work for someone else, and most of all, the relationships and attitudes you have towards parenting are very different, and just like any other life event, or little thing that happens in life, it will never be the same experience for another couple or family.
I know one person can’t change the way people treat others or help them understand their words may be hurtful to a soon-to-be-parent, but heck I am here to try and get the word out as best I can. For the sake of future parents to be, I wanted to share these words in hope of changing some habits people have or help people think before they make these comments to others.
Getting pregnant has been one of the most exciting and terrifying experiences of my life. I have spent my days being filled to the brim with joy and excitement, but also fear, anxiety and stress. With every dramatic instagram caption, video, motherhood book, and blog post I read, these have been often filled with even more stress and self doubt. Can I do this? Will our baby be healthy and arrive safely? Will I ever be the same happy, positive, confetti loving gal? How will I know when to feed him, if he is sick, if these things are all normal? Every day I think about his arrival, if everything is okay in there, if we have everything we need, if we got all the right items and diapers and rash creams (and so much more)
Your brain never sleeps, and I know this is just the beginning. BUT HELL, can we cut new mamas some slack? I know it ain’t easy but please focus on the positive things (a mantra I’ve used my entire life tbh) while still being realistic. As pregnant women, we need these things to make it FORTY WEEKS without literally going crazy. We need to know that we can make it through this, that the sleepless and showerless days and nights are all worth it when we see our baby smile for the first time. That there will be good days and bad days but with the right support and attitude we will crush this experience.
We need encouragement and words of affirmation, the same way our children will. As someone who has always looked on the bright side of life, this has been a really tough and eye opening experience for me. I know there are other people out there who feel the same way, and I will be making it a personal goal of mine to make sure I support and encourage new moms as best I can.
I am incredibly thankful that these experiences and comments have never come from our parents, family and friends but are just general things that come up way more often than I would have ever thought. My friends who are mothers have been incredible and I truly don’t think I could of made it this far without their constant support, advice and love through this emotional and life changing time.
I also have to mention (/gush) that Pete is the most incredible husband/soon-to-be Dad and I am thankful for him every single day. From day one he has been nothing but supportive, kind, loving and CALM (a bit too calm if you ask me but I will keep you posted on how that goes!) On days where I fear I can’t do this or feel any sense of doubt, I think of how amazing he is and know that because we are doing this together all will be okay. I have never once doubted our relationship in the past 11 years and I sure as hell won’t start now. He’s never once let me down or made me feel like we can’t do literally anything that we conquer together. I think of this often when feeling any self doubt or fear about parenthood and it helps me feel good again.
I’m in no way saying that you should tell new parents that having a baby is all sunshine and rainbows (believe me, we understand this is not the case) however, your words and advice to new parents can have more of an impact than you think. There are so many ways you can support, encourage and excite a new parent and I am thankful for every person who chose to do this for us (these comments did not go unnoticed)
I love that we live in a world where people are using their social platforms to share their true feelings about motherhood and all that comes with it, but I can honestly say there has been more negative than positive online when it comes to parenting. I pictured all of the perfect seeming families with a curated feed, and a clean house and happy baby being something that would appear more often than not. But instead of that, it was people sharing their gruelling, frustrating, negative opinions on parenthood, leaving me without even a glimmer of hope that this is something to look forward to. After sharing this kind of feedback with a recently pregnant colleague, she agreed that this message was very prominent and said “I’m just expecting the worst” what a horrible way to feel, right?
I know this will be one of the most challenging and life changing times of our lives. I know it won’t be easy, I know our days and schedules will be hectic and our usual routines and habits will be of the past. I know there will be good days and bad days and frustrating moments and days where all you can do is cry. I have never once doubted how much of a life changing time this will be, but I also don’t want this to take away the fact that this is also one of the most exciting, rewarding times of our lives too.
We are embarking on a new adventure, and getting to bring a child into this world together. We get to laugh with them, cry with them, teach them, love them, reward them, support them and grow with them. We get to make them a part of the lives we love so much and introduce them to the things in life that make us happiest. Things won’t be the same, but things aren’t meant to always be the same and that is the most exciting part.
I am going to do everything in my power to be as positive as I can for our baby and family and I know that is not going to be easy. I will do my best to take things one day at a day, and remember with every tough moment, there is a happy one around the corner. I will cherish every moment because I know it will fly by so fast.
I will leave you all with a few little lists I made about supporting people as they embark on parenthood, because you words are powerful and influencial!
Words and phrases you can use to support someone approaching parenthood:
You're going to be an amazing mom/dad/parent
This is going to be the most exciting time of your life
Your life will change, in an incredible way
It's okay not to be okay
It's time for the biggest adventure of your life
Each day is a new day, so take it one day at a time
Surround yourself with people who uplift, inspire + support you
I'm here for you anytime day or night
Take time for yourself, even just for a moment or two
Can’t wait to see what an amazing parent you’ll be
Ways you can support someone throughout parenthood:
Check in to see how the parents are doing
Over to come by and bring food/necessities
Remind them things will get better
Tell them they are doing an amazing job
Offer to help/babysit/drop by
Check in with their partner/spouse to make sure all is okay
Invite them to things even if you know they won’t come
Send them useful articles/links that could be of help
Accept that they will do things in the way that works for them
That was longer than I thought it’d be but there’s lots to say on this topic, and I’m sure it won’t be the last time I bring it up. Sorry that was a lot and thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.
BE KIND to expecting couples (and everyone) thanks, love you.