happy 1st birthday otis + first year of motherhood!time

Wow. I’d say I don’t have the words, but I have too many words about our beautiful baby boy and our first year of parenthood.

At 6:53pm on November 7th, 2019 Otis James Whish made his appearance (two weeks early )6 pounds & 13 pounds of pure joy. The Beatles were playing and Mom & Dad were trying to keep their cool when the decision to have a C-Section was made. All that mattered to us was that our boy came into the world healthy, and that meant whatever way was best and safest for all of us.

I can remember our first days with Otis so clearly, the first weeks, the months, all of it. Hoping that I can write it here and in other places so that I will never forget how we felt, and continue to feel for this boy. I feel like so many people talk about the love you’ll feel for your babies and how there is truly nothing like it. Well, now I know why people say it, and I will now become a person who will say it forever.

Even though it was early November, it was snowy (Otis arrived on the first snowfall of the season, of course) and our world had just become beyond perfect and cozy. Our days were spent in warm sweaters, cozy with blankets and coffees and pure joy. We had a steady stream of visitors who would bring us warm meals, snacks, goodies, coffee, and so much more. Just thinking about the love we got fills my heart with so much joy. The Hallmark channel was ALL CHRISTMAS movies, all of the time (and they will truly forever remind me of Otie). I remember being awake in the middle of the night, breastfeeding Otis while watching quite possibly the worst collection of holiday movies ever. Perfection. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I spent a lot of the time on the couch recovering from my c-section and just took things one day at a time. Thankfully I am married to a literal saint who was not only the most natural and incredible dad but husband and caregiver too. I took it easy and rested as much as possible (with a newborn) but felt best when surrounded by friends and family and going out for walks in our hood.

I am grateful for every single moment we’ve had together. Even the ones where we felt like nothing could stop him from crying, or he just didn’t want to eat, or sleep, or be put down. Even the moments where I felt like I was failing and couldn’t do this, and wasn’t the Mom I so badly wanted to be. These moments helped me grow and learn, and continue to be a mama I was so proud to be.

But, you know me. I’m more the type to focus on the positives, and my goodness is there A LOT of them. When I look back at the past year I can’t help but see a highlight reel in my mind. We have the biggest heart eyes for our sweet Otie. This boy is SO happy and full of love. He makes us SO happy every day!

Our first few weeks were magical and absolutely exhausting. As we slowly got the hang of things, our favourite time of year was here - CHRISTMAS! What an absolute dream it was having our sweet, tiny, snuggly guy for the most wonderful time of the year. It was so special being able to share the holidays with all of our friends and family. We took Otis to my work Christmas party, to the Toronto Christmas Markert, to celebrations at friends and families homes, and just loved sharing him with loved ones.

My first four months of mat leave were busy as can be, which is exactly how I wanted it to be. I basically had plans every single day for the first few months of our lives together. Friends, family, and colleagues would drop by for some cuddles, we’d go shopping or for coffee, lunch, dinner, and anything in-between

In February we planned a little getaway for the three of us to Prince Edward County. It was sooo chilly and hygge but beyond perfect. We stayed in the cuuuutest air b&b and Otie was a tiny little bub we could just bring with us everywhere we went. Looking back now, this little trip is even more special to us since we couldn’t go on any others due to COVID. We had planned to take Otis on his first big trip to Austin, Texas in May (little did we know that was in no way going to happen)

March got a bit weird, and a lot sad. We started hearing about the Coronavirus but everything felt so far away and it didn’t seem like something that would be around for long. I remember feeling so anxious at the start when things got really real. I remember seeing folks stocking up on canned goods at the grocery store and thinking this couldn’t be happening. Being a first-time parent is already stressful enough as it is, so adding a global pandemic to the mix was in no way an easy feat.

I was having a hard time sleeping. I was beyond stressed about the health of our family, friends, and especially Otis. I was trying to prepare for the unexpected but had no idea how to do it or where to even start. I just took things one day at a time and tried to stay as positive as I could for the sake of all of us. If you know me you know that this is the way I always try to be, and in a way, I felt like I needed to continue this mentality even more so throughout the pandemic. I wanted to spread love and joy more than ever.

When quarantine first started, it felt kinda fun. We got puzzles and made lists of all the things we wanted to do. We cleaned, organized, and updated our place as much as we could. We spent time with Otie and tried to go out for walks as much as possible (although even that started getting stressful)

Obviously, the most difficult part for us was the fact we could no longer see all the people we loved most, and they could not see us, or sweet baby Otis. Babies change so fast, almost by the day and we did not see family or friends for about four months. Sometimes I think back and wonder how we could even do it. It was tough, and emotional in many ways, but the top priority was always the health and safety of our little fam and all of our loved ones.

The silver lining throughout all of this has been all of the special time we’ve had together. Pete working from home meant a lot more time with the babe and being able to see so many of his milestones and spending lots of really amazing time together as a family. So many days filled with laughs, music, dancing, and love!

Once the warmer weather arrived and we could have a “bubble” we could see close family, and luckily see friends and family outdoors. We spent time at our family cabin and spent so many days going for walks and hanging outside in the park. Otis LOVES being outside, exploring, playing, going on the swings, seeing the people and dogs, and just having a jolly ol’ time.

I am beyond thankful that I was able to at least do these things and make the most of our days given the current situation of the world. I felt so thrilled to finally see people again, and as an extreme extrovert, I have been missing people like you wouldn’t believe. I love being around friends and family and my colleagues, and as much as I have loved all of this time with my boys, I am still missing so many people.

Becoming a mom felt so seamless to me. I knew that it would be the biggest change in my life and that there would be so many unknowns, and to be honest, I feared for the worst. Unfortunately, I feel like social media paints motherhood in such a negative light, that I felt it was impossible things could go dare I say…smoothly? I am not saying things have been easy, and that there haven’t been moments of stress, sadness, anxiety, and frustration. These are all feelings I feel and know other parents feel. I just think that we’ve had so many more positive moments than negative ones, and of course, I will always choose to remember those most.

There are so many layers to parenting, babies, the routines, and everything in-between. I think a huge part of successful parenting is who you share it all with, and I cannot say enough about how incredible Pete is. I knew he’d be an amazing dad, but he continues to blow it out of the water every day. When I was pregnant he would make me a smoothie every single morning, when I could barely stand up after having a c-section he would change the diapers and get the groceries, make sure I was fed, etc. He would rock Otie and had the magic touch. When I was ready to throw in the towel, he was ready to tag in. He would remind me to eat, get me a coffee, make sure I time to shower or nap, or have some time to myself. He takes Otis for walks, he feeds him, plays with him, watches soccer with him, and genuinely loves every moment with him. We have always made a great team but we’re taking it to the next level. I am grateful every day for the love he so effortlessly gives to Otis and me. We are so lucky. We have fun every day. I have had so many moments where I just think this is truly pure bliss. These boys fill my entire life up with joy, and I will never for a minute take that for granted. On top of all these things, he is also the most amazing partner in life.

I LOVE being a mom. Otis is an incredible baby and always has been. He’s always been so mild-mannered, so smiley, so loving, cuddly, and sweet. Babies are the best. I knew I would love him so much but cannot even describe the love I feel for him. I miss him when he’s sleeping, I cherish every moment with him, and I have never been more proud of anything in my life.

Is this the maternity leave I expected? No. Am I thankful for every moment? Yes.

I am back to work in a week. I miss my job and my colleagues, and that doesn’t make me love Otis any less. I know the transition will not be what I expected given the pandemic, and I know it will by no means be easy. I will miss our days at home together, even the moments where I have thought “how on earth will I occupy this little busy body all day?” - I will miss staying in our jammies and going on our walks and just going with the flow. Even though there were a lot of reasons for this mat leave to be a bummer, I had so so many special moments.

The time I spend with Otis will be more precious than ever now. I want to take our fun moments to the next level. I can’t wait to watch him grow and experience so many wonderful things with him and Pete and all of the special people in our lives.

I am so in love. I am so grateful, and I am tired of crying (lol) so I’m signing off!

Sending so much love to all of the parents out there! It’s tough, tiring, and challenging job, but it’s the fucking best one in the world.

Thank you for reading (& huge gold star if you read this whole thing!)